Author: Anthony Sherratt

Not long before last Christmas I was driving home from a visit to Grandma’s when the twins started reciting a long list of things they wanted from Santa.

A bit disturbed at the length of the letters, I politely pointed out to them that they couldn’t have everything on their lists. Predictably they asked why and I explained to them that there are poor kids in the world who only get one or even sometimes no presents.

There was a heavy silence from the backseat before a small voice piped up with “Daddy, why doesn’t Santa like poor people?”

Sometimes I think we forget that these little people who are apparently growing up so quickly have very little in the way of context and comparison.

At this stage I’d already committed to volunteering to work in an orphanage in Thailand and this cemented the idea that my five-year-old twins needed to come with me.

So earlier this year we jetted out for Thailand where we spent just under two weeks working in an orphanage originally set up for orphans of the tsunami of 2004.

I wanted to help and make a difference and showing the girls that ‘poor kids’ aren’t just an abstract expression was a bonus.

But I hadn’t counted on the intensity of the visit upon me. I certainly expected it to be difficult but it was far more harrowing than I ever anticipated.

Hearing stories of how the children ended up there was nothing short of devastating. I’ll spare you detailed recaps because they will bring tears: both to you and me. We truly live a sheltered life in a very lucky country.

We built temporary shelters (30 seasons of being a Survivor fan finally bear fruit), we planted gardens, we created a paved road, we scrubbed floors, we cooked for the entire orphanage one night (Spaghetti Bol), we took them out to restaurants (a huge treat), we bought them a giant washing machine because they were handwashing for over 200 children.

And we took turns looking after each other’s kids when it just became too much. I cried a lot and I wasn’t alone.

The orphanage is strict on their children attending school but when they weren’t there they played with our kids with zest. It’s sad to see children so hungry for hugs.

Not that they weren’t happy – in fact they were largely extremely positive – but the visit and playing obviously meant the world to them.

I went over hoping to make a difference. I came back feeling I hadn’t done enough. And wanting to adopt 200 kids.

Which is why I’ve signed up for a ride across Thailand next year to raise money for the orphanage. It’s through an amazing organisation called Hands Across The Water which ensures 100% of monies donated goes straight to the orphanages. No admin or marketing fees.

No funny one liners or final lines this month. Just a plea to help me make a difference. You can donate at http://tinyurl.com/AnthonyRidesForKids or go to the handsacrossthewater.org.au/get-involved/sponsor-a-rider-or-trekker/ and search for me.

Help me help them.

Because a smile on a child’s face is truly priceless.

Every Dad has abs.

A bold statement perhaps and I know a lot of women are sneaking sideways glances at their partner’s beer belly and scoffing at this point but it’s true. Just ask him.

He’ll tell you he’s in good shape. If pushed he’ll go on to grudgingly admit that he’s let himself go “just a touch” but dismiss it as “just a temporary thing”.

You see males really can see their abs. Granted, occasionally they may be beneath a layer or two or fat but we can still see them. We know they’re there.

And we’re convinced they’re only a footy game or two with the lads away from coming back.

The first three years of the twins’ life I pretty much holed up in the house. It was such an effort to go out. Heck, it was such an effort to get through a day let alone finding time for me. Meals were eating whatever the girls didn’t or munching on a pack of rice wheels that were lying around.

As a result I didn’t sleep much and I put on 10 kilograms. And by 10 of course I mean 15. Or a figure in that vicinity.

But I always consoled myself with the fact I could get it off when I needed to. A quick diet, some exercise and I could drop that weight just like I did when I was 20. It’s a man thing. Our confidence is so strong it can become delusion without us even noticing.

A woman looks at her body and only sees the faults. She then magnifies them by a factor of approximately a million. We men look at our bodies and minimise the faults and amplify the positives. Even if those positives are actually from the timestream rather than the here-and-now.

The problem is we’re not 20 anymore. It doesn’t come off as quickly as it used to.  Personally I blame the pretty bland fashion of today. The strength of 80s and 90s haircuts and clothing was you either pulled them off or lost 10,000 kilojoules through sheer embarrassment. If you don’t believe me then google “80s fashion”.

But robbed of neon colours and spiky hair what can I do today? I could go to the gym but who wants to be seen there when you haven’t got a gym body?

There are dozens of miracle devices advertised on television but unless I’m supposed to lose calories laughing at the ‘science’ behind them they’re no good to me.

It looks like I may have to resort to old-fashioned sweat: exercise and diet. I could even get a personal trainer because nothing makes feeling like you’re about to have a heart attack better than someone screaming at you to work harder and have that damn heart attack. I think my last personal trainer used to chase me with defibrillator paddles. I’m still not sure if it was incentive or precaution. Or perhaps a hallucination caused by oxygen deprivation.

The point is (there is one here somewhere) that it’s hard work having a good body. But to get one you need commitment, dedication and discipline and not just go to the gym because you paid for it. You need to give up sugar, run until you drop, be the best you can be, have the eye of the tiger and know the difference between core strength and cor blimey!

Or alternatively I could just stop caring what others think about my body.

Because I’d really miss sugar…

I recently found a bucket list I wrote many, many years ago. So long ago in fact the term bucket list hadn’t been invented so my list was entitled “Just Live Life and Do It Damn It”.

It’s been fascinating reading the dreams of an Anthony that was care-free and single.

But as I went through the dreams and musings of what feels like another life altogether, I couldn’t help but wonder what a bucket list written AFTER I’d become a parent would look like.

There are obvious choices such as taking the kids to Disneyland and being able to go away for a single night without having to pack 16 bags and play car-packing Tetris.

But the changes in perspective are enormous. Pre-kids Anthony may have fantasised about a cute Danish girl joining him in the shower, but post-kids Anthony just longs to have a shower all by himself without any interruption.

The pre-kids bucket list had extensive travel plans on it. Post-kids I’m happy to get the kids out the door before 7.45 each morning.

 

Pre-kids: Read all the classics.
Post-kids: Actually get to read more than one adult book a year.

 

Pre-kids: Conquer Mt Everest.
Post-kids: Conquer the never-ending mountain of washing.

 

Pre-kids: Stay up all night on a tropical island and watch the sunrise.
Post-kids: Sleep through the entire night and not have to see the sunrise.

 

Pre-kids: Jump out of a plane.
Post-kids: Get through a meal without having to make airplane noises to get someone to eat.

 

Pre-kids: Build a dream house.
Post-kids: Get through a day without stepping on a Lego piece from their dream house.

 

Pre-kids: Participate in a group sky-dive.
Post-kids: Go to the toilet alone.

 

Pre-kids: Attend every match of <your sporting team> live this season.
Post-kids: Get to watch one half of one game on television undisturbed.

 

Pre-kids: Survive swimming with sharks.
Post-kids: Survive drop-off and pick-up at school (survive swimming with sharks).

 

Pre-kids: Learn an art or craft.
Post-kids: Keep your walls free from permanent art.

 

Pre-kids: Dine at Michelin starred restaurants around the world.
Post-kids: Drink a cup of tea without having to reheat it three times.

 

For the record there were 176 things on that old bucket list and going through them I was delighted I’d actually done 152 of them. For a moment I couldn’t help but revel in the abandon of the past.

And then the twins ran into the room with pictures of their horse-riding last week and excitedly recounted everything as if I hadn’t been there with them and I realised that while pre-kids Anthony had fun, post-kids Anthony has purpose.

We still travel. We still embrace new experiences. But now it’s not about me. It’s about showing the girls how wonderful life can be. About sharing the experiences.

I feel a bit sad for pre-kids Anthony: he didn’t have ‘be a parent’ on his bucket list and right now I couldn’t imagine a more fulfilling thing to do.

Part of having very active kids is the inevitable accidents and incidents. And first time parents panic easily when faced with injuries and potential harm.

But fear not, you can learn from my experiences (and the fact my best friend Paul is a respected medical professional).

ELBOW – I once inadvertently dislocated Rhapsody’s elbow. I was walking hand-in-hand when she protested about wanting something, threw her feet up in the air and dead-weighted herself. I felt terrible and like an abusive parent despite not actually having done anything other than hold on to her hand while she threw a tantrum. I’m assured this is very common in young kids and, as I learnt, pretty easily fixed in seconds once medical staff are confident it’s just a radial head subluxation.

FOREIGN OBJECTS IN THE NOSE – Barbie shoes are hard to remove from the nostril. Trust me. If you can’t easily remove a foreign object from the nose go to the Emergency Department. The stories they tell . . .

AND THE MOUTH – Kids will inevitably swallow things. Most, such as small coins, rocks and marbles will pass but medical experts will always want to ensure there is no blockage to the airways. The photos they have . . .

BUTTON BATTERIES – Having said that, there are some things that require immediate urgent medical attention if swallowed. Small button batteries (such as watch batteries and toy batteries) represent a VERY high risk of serious harm. Do not delay seeking assistance. AND KEEP THEM AWAY FROM KIDS.

DISLODGED TOOTH – If a tooth gets knocked out then there is a chance – even if it’s slight – it can be saved. Immediately immerse it in milk or saliva. There’s no guarantee, but it will increase the odds.

BURNS – Burns can be common but need to be dealt with properly. The burn needs to be exposed to cold running water for at least 20 minutes. Do not ice a burn and do not bath it – cool or cold running water only.

HEAD KNOCK – If it’s a bad bump go straight to hospital where they will observe the child for a period of time. Do not expect an automatic CAT scan as there are very good reasons they will avoid scanning unless necessary.

POISON – One of my twins once came from her bedroom in the middle of the night glowing in the dark. She’d been chewing on a glow stick. Panic ensued in the parents. If your child swallows something you’re unsure of, ring the poison hotline (13 11 26). They’re incredible and their advice is invaluable.

TICKS – There is a lot of misinformation about how to remove ticks and most of it is NOT for Australian conditions, which are indeed different. The current line of thought highlights freezing them off, which is done by a medical professional. Not you with an ice pack. Or a stubby.

SNAKE BITES –  Do not wash the wound as hospitals have venom kits that can identify the venom, do not tourniquet (put a clean hankie over the bite and immobilise the rest of the limb with a compression bandage) and do not try to suck out the venom (Hollywood movies have taught you poorly – this doesn’t work and you could actually end up envenomating yourself).

POSSIBLE SPIDER BITES – Marks, scratches and pricks from running through the grass? No Emergency Department will ever be upset you’re checking, so don’t worry about ‘wasting their time’. This is a child’s life we’re talking about. So if in doubt, check it out.

Which is actually the recurring theme: don’t be afraid to get professional advice. Don’t worry about appearances, embarrassment or seeming paranoid. Ring 131 HEALTH or go to your Emergency Department. They are here to help.

And if the Barbie shoes in the nose becomes a regular thing then perhaps you need to buy the board game Operation. Or stop buying Barbie dolls.

As a beloved old TV show was fond of repeating, “you cannot change the laws of physics”. And just as science recognises there are simply some absolute truths of the world, we all know there are strict laws that govern children and parents.

And you don’t need a PhD in Parenting to know how true these laws are:

 

The Dawdling Principle

No matter how early you plan to leave for an event, the time allowed will be taken up by children dawdling. At this stage I could be ready to leave a full 24 hours before dance classes (which are held literally 400 metres from my house) and the girls would find a way to ensure we burst in just as they’re closing the doors. Yet again.

 

Eyes-stomach ratio

The laws of physics do not always seem to apply to children. For example their stomach is quite small physically but apparently capable of eating every chocolate or packet of chips in existence. We joke about dessert stomachs. Kids, like cows, have multiple stomachs and they’re ALL dessert stomachs.

 

The Principle of Uncertainty

In science, the Heisenberg Principle of Uncertainty tells us you can know the position of a particle OR its velocity but not both. In parenting, the Sherratt Principle of Uncertainty states you can either hear exactly what your kids are doing OR paranoia creeps up on you because you CAN’T hear what your kids are doing.

 

‘Toddler’s ear’

A little-known condition where toddlers’ hearing is distorted. ‘Toddler’s ear’ manifests by changing the meaning of our speech. For example I say “No” and they hear “ask me again in ten seconds”. See also ‘Husband’s Ear’ where the patient suffers temporary sporadic deafness dependent on situations.

 

IMP (Infant Magnetic Pulse)

Children under the age of 5 regularly emit a magnetic pulse of attraction. Curiously it’s only triggered when they have new and/or expensive clothes on, and instead of metal they attract dirt, mud, food and all other things messy. The effect can be reduced, if not totally eliminated, by dressing them in cheap or hand-me-down clothes.

 

Situationally Horrific Infantile Tantrums (note the acronym)

It’s an absolute truth that no matter how well behaved your children have been, the moment you step into public the likelihood of them throwing a loud tantrum increases exponentially. Studies conducted on the subject conclusively showed that “it was impossible to get any work done with all these damn kids crying and screaming in the scientific facility”.

 

The Lyon Poo Principle

Bowel movements are intrinsically linked to travel plans. It’s true: your kids won’t need to poo until you’re just about to leave or have just left. Similarly, they will often wait until you’ve struggled to get that complicated one-piece snowsuit/ballet outfit on before declaring they need to go. 25% of our time in Copenhagen was dressing, undressing and re-dressing the girls before snowplay.

 

The communication correlation

Child volume inevitably increases whenever you’re on a phone call. As does the likelihood of tantrums, fights and all-out riots. Interestingly, the more important the phone call, the greater the likelihood of intense cacophony.